Thursday, May 22, 2014

How to Bring Back Passion and Keep the Spark Alive in Your Relationship

For most relationships, love is at first a force of nature, a flood of heavenly emotions turning current life on its head and transforming it into heaven. You feel so good, your partner is perfect and perfect for you, and you've got the entire world in your heart. And then months pass, maybe a few years pass, and then you doubt whether or not you and your partner are actually meant to be. Are they the same person you fell in love with, was it all just a lie, does love not really exist, was is just stupid passion?

I have a very important message: love does not die unless you allow it to.

Why was the beginning so good? Why was there such an abundance of amazing feelings and captivation passion? Why was there so much excitement?

When you first "fall in love with someone", you prime yourself to really really emphasize their positive traits. You focus so lovingly and enthusiastically on their positive traits. You milk every single joy you experience together- you search and re-search those interactions and extract all the pleasure you can out of it because YOU DON'T KNOW. You WANT TO know that they love you too, so that is why you focus so much on the evidence that supports it. That is why a single look or smile from them can make your day feel like a walk through paradise- that smile was EVIDENCE that they wanted you too, that you were in the middle of experiencing something really, really great.

You first love every little thing about them, because you actively seek our evidence in them that supports your desire to have a really good relationship with them. You seek out evidence that tells you that you two are good for each other and that this person is beautiful and that you have really stumbled upon a blessing in your life.

And then what happens?

Then you establish the relationship. Then you KNOW. You stop looking for evidence to support your desire for a relationship because the relationship is there. But that focus has got to go somewhere, doesn't it? And unfortunately, the focus often goes to their negative traits or what isn't there. You focus on the way they leave their dirty socks on the floor or crack their knuckles when its super quiet. You focus on the way they focus on their friends instead of focusing on you 24/7, and then that focus builds up momentum and suddenly you're a teeming mess of possessiveness and jealousy. You focus on what your relationship doesn't have- and that lack only grows and grows and grows. And maybe this lack will cause you to break up, but if you go about life this way, you will only repeat the cycle with your next relationship.

So what do you do instead?

Well, what do you want?

Relationships are an everychanging dynamic, just like you, just like your partner. You are not the same person you were yesterday, you have new experiences, you have been moved with those new experiences, as was your partner. You and your partner are not stagnant, therefore your relationship is not stagnant. But we often treat our relationships like a stagnant object- its there, its been made, its a GIVEN. IT IS CERTAIN.

Relationship problems are rife with expectations that just don't align. You expect your partner to act a certain way, so you OBJECTIFY your partner. You have reduced your partner to a therapist who SHOULD listen to you complain about your problems. You reduce your partner to a FINANCIAL SOURCE who SHOULD support you and your lifestyle. You reduce your partner to many things and in doing so, you are basically turning them into an object. Yet, you are bored or frustrated because you miss and want the excitement back, the passion? How are you going to be excited or impassioned by a set OBJECT?

To bring the spark back into your relationship, you need to retrain your focus and intent. Remember in the beginning when you were dating? That was you intending to find everything good about them and focusing on it to bring about your desire for a relationship. Why did you stop? Don't you still want a relationship? What kind of relationship do you want? You aren't the same person as when you started the relationship, what do you want now? Have you ever even sat down and thought about how you want to feel in your relationship or have you been operating from an unexamined default?

It is simple. The next time you are with your partner, intend to see the greatness in them and appreciate it. Appreciation is just positive focus. To love someone is to walk their field and enjoy all of their flowers instead of picking out their weeds. The more you love someone, the more flowers grow, the less space there are for weeds. The weeds will be there, okay, accept it, don't pay attention to them.

Approach your relationship from freshness. This is a new day, what do you want to explore in your relationship with your partner? What do you want to share and create with your partner in this space you've set aside? A relationship is a playground for you and your partner to explore and create- it is a beautiful space, let it be beautiful and see the beauty in it.

Maybe you love the way your partner used to stroke the bottom of your chin with their finger and look into your eyes. Ask them to do it again, feel it thoroughly, eat it all up and soak it all in and enjoy it. Go to the store and pause a little longer in front of something you and your partner could enjoy- if you brough this home, what experiences would you want to co-create with your partner? Be open, be playful, see their gold. Your job as a lover is to see their gold, to actively search for it, not focus on the dirt.

What do you want in life? How do you want to feel? How do you want to feel in a relationship? Allow yourself to focus on what you want and let it grow in your reality. Stop focusing on what isn't there. Why are you watering the weeds? Water the flowers.

This isn't an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship. This isn't an excuse to ignore true unhappiness and misalignment with your partner. You see, when you focus on how you want to feel, it shows up in your life and you are guided to take actions that help bring about that desire into fruition. Maybe this focus on what you want will guide you out of the current relationship, that is okay. You can have a happy breakup (post to come.) Don't  lie to yourself, be totally honest. Don't take it so seriously- go about it with ease, play with life, be light-hearted.

Feel good first. Relax, smile, release the tension, then be with your partner. It is hard to enjoy being with your partner when you are wrestling yourself. Maybe you need some extra support and love from your partner as you release the tension, ask for a huge, a massage, a take out dinner and a few hours of funny movies while you cuddle. Allow the love to guide the focus.

Enjoy your life,

Sunday, May 18, 2014

How to Make the Right Choices and Big Life Decisions: Are You Living with Intention?

Many of us wonder if we are making the right choices in life. We torture ourselves over the possibilities, wondering if one decision will unleash a cascade of unwanted circumstances and wondering if another decision will allow us to experience heaven on earth and unlock the happiest of our dreams. The flaw in this kind of thinking is that in wondering if we are making the right choices in life, we fail to remember what drives us to make those choices.

Should we stay or should we go? Should we give this person a second chance or forget them completely? Should we leave our lives as we know it and embark on a fresh start?
In wondering about the validity of our choices, we approach our lives indirectly. We become a slave to our pre-conceptualized understandings of possibility. We become a slave to the set of feelings that we believe our set of choices will create.

Instead of feeling first, we choose first. We don't choose how we feel, we just choose actions. Our feelings merely become a consequence of our actions instead of our actions becoming a consequence of our feelings. To really create a happy life and make the choices that are aligned with what you want, you need to feel first and act after.

Choosing how you feel puts you into the most beneficial position to make the choices that align with what you further want to feel. You have to feel good first. You have to reach inside and explore your insides and allow yourself to shift into a space that feels good, or else you operate as a slave to your feelings that resulted from actions that resulted from other actions and you are a slave to your actions and your actions are a master over your feelings.

When you choose to feel good, you flow through life with ease. Your being is much easier and much more open- you have a softer focus on the big picture which allows you to see the small details with much more clarity. When you feel good, you weigh your options with more possibility- you don't feel trapped. You make decisions that are good for you because when you feel good because you choose to feel good instead of feeling good because of something someone said to you or because your partner has been acting in a way that pleases you or because your boss complimented you this morning, then your actions will come from a place of self assurance and self power. When you make yourself feel good, you exercise your ability to create the life you want instead of allowing the external world to dictate your inner world.

To feel good, all you need to do is release. Allow yourself to feel at ease, listen to your body, don't ignore what it says to you. Ease into your being, untense yourself, release all of the tension and contractions you've accumulated. To shift into a place of feeling good, open your heart and relax your mind and breathe deeply. Allow yourself to feel easy.

Once you are in a space of feeling good, then you can decide what actions to take and you can make those action with intention. With every choice you make, you intend something to correlate to that choice. Its like waking up and instead of just allowing your day to be shaped by default and usually external circumstances or internal, mindless habits, you set aside some time to feel good and you tell yourself that you intend to wake up and enjoy the process of waking up and enjoy the process of walking into the kitchen that you're grateful you can walk into and that you will enjoy the process of turning on your coffee pot and you will enjoy the coffee that is really such a blessing and delight to have and you will taste that coffee and allow yourself to really notice and be with that coffee and you will enjoy opening your mind and body so that they can connect and you will enjoy listening to any urgings your body has to guide you on the path of health. And you can make these intentions for any part of your day- you will enjoy the process of driving to work and listening to your favorite station. You will enjoy the process of deciding what to have for lunch and going out there and getting it. You will enjoy this breath and you will enjoy exploring how deeply your lungs can take in the air and you will enjoy how much of a relief a slow exhale can bring.

We need to place importance on all of our choices. When we live life more deliberately, those seemingly little choices add up. Its like the difference between north and south. If you are facing south and want to get north, every little degree that adds up to 180 gets you there. And making 1 or 2 degree turns is much easier than making a 180 degree turn for most of us. Its much easier to enjoy and align with the experience of really enjoying a shower or really enjoying the process of cooking a healthy meal than it is with enjoying the process of breaking up an old relationship. We can enjoy the process of breaking up an old relationship, but to do so we can't just put it all into one action- its a series of moments and feelings- a huge degree turn made of smaller degrees that we have to be able to recognize.

We have to recognize those little turns in our life and we have to make those turns from a place of feeling good. We have to feel good first and then move, or else we just move through life and take what we can get.

So if you are trying to make a huge major life decision right now, don't make it right now. Make small life decisions right now. Read this article more slowly again from a place of feeling good. Feel the delightful tapping of your keyboard. Enjoy and adore your next glass of water. Enjoy the process of identifying any aches and tensions in your body if they come up and stretch them out deliciously. Relax, relax, relax, relax. Breathe deeply, enjoy this breath, get to know this breath, get to love this breath, feel and taste and intimately discover the air moving through your lungs.

All the best,


Thursday, May 8, 2014

No One Can Steal Your Energy and Energy Vampires Don't Exist

I take public transportation quite frequently, and one thing that I have noticed is that people love to stare. I can honestly say that I am the recipient of unwanted attention in the form of long-held staring. Fortunately, this staring never transpires into anything more, but the act still annoys me. The issue I have with staring is that it often comes with unnecessary projections and emotions- that's why you can feel when someone glares at you angrily or watches you with pleading eyes. Staring, like all other actions, involves its own dance of energy, and a quite unequal dance at that. Although we can't control who decides to stare at us, we can control the way we respond to these unwanted energies.

One of the most un-grounding decisions we can make as human beings is to accuse others of being energy vampires. To believe that others are capable of stealing our energy is to give up our own personal power and blame the world for the way we feel inside and the way we tell the world how we would like to be treated. The most dangerous part of the concept of energy vampirism is how easy it is the believe it. It is so much easier to blame others for our lack of energy, and it is so much easier to assume that others our controlling us at a subconscious level. It is so much easier to blame society for our lack of happiness- and that is why this concept of energy vampirism is so easily adopted by many.
Energy vampirism can also cause someone to blame themselves for imaginary wrongdoings and condemn ourselves for doing what we naturally like. A ridiculous article I read suggested that the way we choose to dress can be, heaven forbid, appealing, and that appeal upsets the energies of others and causes us to steal energy. Someone susceptible to self condemnation can buy into this and quickly turn themselves into a miserable wreck by over-analyzing all of their life choices and living in a constant state of fear and paranoia that they might be stealing the energies of others and that inside of them is something hideous because they subconsciously act in ways to steal the energy of others.

The concept of energy vampirism is rooted entirely in fear- it assumes that the world and even ourselves, can not be trusted, and that we have no control over the way we feel. The concept of energy vampirism encourages us to give away our personal power. This is a blatant lie- NO ONE CAN STEAL YOUR ENERGY. Your energy is yours.

You can choose to give your energy away and you can choose to adopt beliefs that make it so much easier to give in to the will of others. You can give your power away by blaming the world and distract yourself from your own internal responsbilities by adopting a paranoid lifestyle involving constant vigilance in energy transactions between you and the world. You can choose to live in a constant state of tension an distruct because you need to protect your energy and you can watch your actions meticulously and question every motive and behavior you express wondering if something hideous in your unconscious is trying to steal energy from others.

Although it is true that humans are generally social creatures who are happier when we have intimate connections with others, our energy is ours. If someone around is tense and angry, they are not stealing our energy and causing us to descend into a similar state of tension and anger- we are simply feeling how they feel because we have EMPATHY. To live only through empathy is to distract ourselves from ourselves and live through the emotions and feelings of others- we have to find balance and we have to be aware of both. We have to be aware of how we feel, how those around us feel, and we have to know how to exercise healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are set by focusing inwards and listening to our inner voice instead of getting lost in the sea of others' emotions and feelings and thoughts. If we become lost is that sea, we lose our roots and we give our lives away to the current created by others because we believe that is the only choice we have.

We can not be happy by living in a world only of ourselves or centered completely on others, We need to integrate ourselves and assume our own place in both spheres to reach balance. This balance is dynamic and life is ever-changing, and to maneuver through live with empowerment and awareness, we have to feel both worlds and know both worlds. We must release resistance to both worlds and that is how we forge our desired path.

It is so easy to over think and analyze these concepts. Please know that it really isn't necessary, Feel through your emotions, take note of how others feel through your empathy but don't get lost in it. Always come back to your center, reside in your center. The more you reside in your center, the strong and more supported and expansive your center becomes. No one can steal your energy or power. Assert your own power. Make it known when you don't like something and don't blame others for how you feel. No one is stealing your energy. No one can steal your energy.

There are so many topics this post can touch upon, but I will conclude by emphasizing the fact that you are much better off in life to forget the concept of energy vampires and realize your own power.

Have a good day.