Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dealing with Infatuation: How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone

UPDATE: 02.09.17:
Hello everyone. Thanks for all your support. I'm venturing into video blogging about these topics that hold a special place in my heart. Here are two videos (part 1 and 2) that will help you on your path. 




**UPDATE: I have recently published a new eBook- "Before You Cheat: A Guide to Reclaiming Your Life from Infatuation, Obsession, and Infidelity." It is available for download on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HDOF704. Thank you so much for your support.**


Sometimes we meet certain people that cause such an explosion of emotions, feelings, questions, thoughts, and attraction in us that we find ourselves thinking about them all the time. Sometimes we just can not stop thinking about them- regardless of what we're doing or the last time we've seen them. The smallest of their actions leads us to over-analyze every tiny move they make. We find ourselves pondering over and over again about their intentions and how they possibly feel about us. The thought of them not wanting us back is soul crushing, even if in some cases it is true. We deny and over-think and obsess. At first, it can feel like a fresh rush- suddenly you feel alive and hyped up. You become extremely happy. Knowing and seeing this person makes you feel blissful. But then you begin to obsess and your mental workings start going downhill. Let's try to deal with that.

Why Are We Obsessing?
We obsess over that person because we are very, very attached to them.
We want to be with them, want to impress them, want to tell them all of these planned out, fine-tuned bits of witty dialogue that we've been tossing around in our brains for the past few days. We want to feel their presence again and again. That person is magical to us- a rarity, a unicorn that bleeds rainbow blood. We build them a comfortable home on a pedestal, even though we might deny it.
We're extremely attracted to them. Something about their eyes, the way they speak, the little spring in their step- speaks volumes to us, louder than anything else going on in our lives. We're very much infatuated and very much committed to being so.

When Does It Get Unhealthy?
The rush of a new potential love is undoubtedly enjoyable- you feel more alive. It also does not last, so try to enjoy it while you can, but within reason. Have you heard of the song "Lovefool?" If you haven't, listen to it and don't let the happy up-tempo, glittery beat fool you. The song is a perfect example of the destructive habits we can pick up when we're extremely into another person, and how that destructiveness can be oh so well hidden in a happy, fairy tale land kind of mood or viewpoint.

When you become love's fool, you stop living your own life. Your life starts revolving around the other person. When will you see them? Where do they hang out? You find yourself roaming their haunts, hanging around the places you've seen them at the times you've committed to memory. You change your appearance, or try to, wondering if it will get their attention or if they'll like it or if it will make them like you even more.

Basically, infatuation becomes destructive when you do everything for that person. You stop being yourself, you stop pursuing your own interests and doing what is important to you because you are so caught up in trying to impress them or trying to orchestrate magical ways of running into them that will lead to magical conversations that will magically have them falling head over heels in love with you. 

If there is anything I know about relationships, it is this: NEVER LIVE FOR ANOTHER PERSON.
People do not want to be with a codependent obsessive. People are attracted to independent individuals with their own things going on. And what attraction might have naturally risen between you two can be very easily squandered by your obsessive and hungry behavior. 

How Do You Stop Obsessing?
Obsession starts with thoughts. When dangerously infatuated, that person becomes all you think about. More easily said than done, the solution is to think about something else. Action is usually necessary- pick a way of spending your time that demands your full attention. Pick up a sport or a ridiculously interesting book (preferable one that isn't about love), watch a comedy or action move that inspires you to practice your ninja skills or perfect your zombie apocalypse survival plan. Do some chores, cook something elaborate, do yoga, go to the gym, do your homework, start a puzzle. DO SOMETHING THAT HELPS YOU IMPROVE.

By improving one of your skills, you will be focusing on something other than that person, and your self esteem will rise up a little bit so that their pedestal shrinks just a wee bit. Do this enough, and you won't glorify anyone- you will indeed cultivate great respect for their achievements, but you won't see them as a demigod anymore because you are also capable of hard work and progress. Mind boggling, right?

I also recommend that you try to surrender your obsession to the universe or any religious/spiritual entity you believe in. The point is to ask that your "burden" be taken off of your hands. You must state your intention to release the attachment. Meditate upon it. It helps to visualize- imagine ties or rope coming off of your body and going into the body of the object of your affection. Vividly imagine those ties being cut, and be grateful for it. They do say: if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it is meant for you. You can't orchestrate the workings of the universe, so might as well surrender.

Besides focusing on something else and surrendering your problem, I suggest also analyzing why you feel so attracted to them

Do they certain traits you feel might complete you? If so, consider the possibility that you are just disowning those traits in yourself and projecting them onto the other person.

Do they treat you a certain way, maybe like your dad or father figure or first love treated you? What's familiar isn't what's always best, so use your judgement and think clearly about it. 

Do they fit your ideal mold for the perfect partner? If so, try to get to know them better before jumping to such conclusions. 

How To Stop Obsessing WHILE Still Interested
I'm definitely not telling you to stop being interesting- that would be silly. But just focus on you and other aspects of your life more, not them. Restore the balance of your attention, focus, and emotions. Trust your intuition, but also trust the timing of things and the generally ambiguous nature of the world we live in. 

Start writing your feelings about them or dreams about them and any interactions with them in a journal. Keep the descriptions of the interactions as factual as possible, as hard as that sounds. Later on as you progress from your obsessive nature, read back to the scenarios and your feelings. Don't judge yourself, but try to find patterns in your thinking. Are there certain triggers that cause you to feel strongly? Were you right about them? Wrong? Keep looking back as you get to know them and/or move on from them, and your future will be less likely to involve you pacing outside their usual hang out spots, seeing them, and shrinking away from nervousness, or worse, showing them that you're a nervous wreck.

Happy Loving
Attraction can definitely be a rush, so enjoy it within reason. Nothing knocks you off your feet like meeting someone really, really special. And usually, when you meet someone really, really, really special, you won't obsess because something inside of you just lets you know. The events work in your favor, the answer reveals itself, and everything falls into place without your obsessiveness. Just work on yourself and trust in the process.

313 comments:

  1. thanks for the article, very useful information!

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    1. Glad I could help! Thanks for reading!

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    2. Hi Wynona,

      I was actually going through the emotions that you wrote above.

      The article is really helpful. Please keep writing. god bless you!

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    3. Thank you so much for the kind words and I wish you the best!

      Wynona

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    4. did you just read my mind? you are wonderful. i almost cried!

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    5. thank you for the kind comment! crying is a very powerful signal of release! all the best to you.

      wynona

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    6. I'm so glad I found this, this thing I have going on with this girl is killing me. Hopefully I can try some of what you said and stop.

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    7. Let it all flow and follow your inner peace and independence and root yourself strongly in you.

      Wynona

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    8. It's easy to tell these things... but it's very hard to follow them...it's like changing the direction of a wind on your own..

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    9. I know it can be really hard at first to let go, but baby steps always work tremendously well. Just give yourself a little more and more love and attention and time/space to be still and peaceful and clear and you'll find your grip on infatuating weakening more and more until its gone :)
      Wynona

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    10. Thank you very much for this article, it was painful reading as so much of it applied to me, but very very useful. Going to start applying the advice now...

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    11. I suffer from anxiety and obsession but it's been under control for quite some time. Recently I got a new supervisor and well we really clicked. She is married I am married. Both marriages have similarities in their issues and our unhappiness. She is going to counseling and working to restore her interest in her husband.

      I completely fell for this woman. She flirted a little with me and I just went into everything you describe above. I know I have marital issues that I have to address and I know that my fantasy supervisor does not have the same interest in me... but oh my gosh I just couldn't stop thinking all these unrealistic thoughts about becoming a couple.

      Your article has confirmed what I have been trying to do in terms of thinking about other things. It's just so powerful the feeling of being in love again. Meditation really helps to relax and stop the repetitive thoughts.

      I am convinced I was suppose to meet her and I still fantasize that we will be together in the future but intellectually I keep telling myself it's ridiculous thinking spurred on by anxiety and obsession. Maybe it's time to up my medication...

      And if you think this is just another youngster dealing with young love, it's not. I am 54 and should know better how to control "these things" but wow; the power of love and the power of wanting love is really strong chemistry.

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  2. great wonderful loved it!!!

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  3. This really helped me, I don't know why I became so infatuated in the first place. You just lose yourself and who you are, you change. When you notice that you need to stop. Move on, like she said. If you love them, let go.

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  4. Thank you for these words of wisdom, they are really helpful. I don't usually comment on blogs, but something compelled me to do this out of gratitude to the author for explaining what infatuation means in such a way I could recognize the symptoms in myself so easily. The author is right, infatuation eventually is destructive. I have found this out the hard way a couple of times in my lifetime, and I don't want to repeat those experiences. I honestly believe the first step in "curing" infatuation is identifying it (hopefully before you're in too deep).

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    1. thank you so much for the kind words! yes, we must stop our lives from being dictated by unaware momentum.

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    2. Dear Wynona
      Nice article my problem is I am so madly in love with someone who I can never have for reasons I won't go into. I imagine her having sexual fulfilment from her partner rather than me. I want to get over this madness as it is causing me depressive moods please help

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    3. Let your thoughts go where they flow naturally without condemnation and get a feel and awareness for the feelings that those thoughts lead to. Explore it and do not repress it. You will find that the more you pay full attention it what is happening inside of you in the moment, the easier those feelings change and dissipate.
      Journal your feelings, really take the time to explore and ask yourself why why why. Relief will not come by wishing these feelings away. You must face them and really explore them. You must journal and write everyday and write about how you feel and why and listen to your intuition.

      Best of luck,
      Wynona

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  5. Honestly, thanks so much for writing this. I really needed to read it. I feel like I have a lot of self reflection to do, but I am so grateful that you have provided people like me with this advice and information. Thanks so much, you have no idea how much you've helped me.

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    1. You're welcome, thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a kind comment! I'm glad I am able to offer help :)
      All the love and best of luck with your inner explorations!
      Wynona

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  6. So pleased I found this, I'm lost at the moment in a hopeless infatuation and due to the situation have no one to talk things over with. This makes me feel that at least I'm not going insane will keep rereading this to give me the motivation to get through this. Everything you have written is so true thank you

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    1. Feel free to leave any questions you may have in the comments! Thanks so much for reading. I'm really glad I was able to help a bit. :)

      Best of luck,
      Wynona

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  7. i really had no idea about this . i've been thinking about her these past months . this certainly made things clear to me . Thank you so much and God bless you!

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    1. Thanks so much for reading! Best of luck on your journey :)
      Wynona

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  8. Thank you so much .

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    1. Glad I could help and thanks for reading! :)

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  9. Thanks a lot....the asking the universe/spiritual being to take them off our hearts thing helped me the most

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    1. I'm glad I could help :) Best of wishes to you!

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  10. Thank you...all to jesus i surrender!

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  11. I think all this is really excellent advice. I am married but became infatuated with a neighbour, a widow, funnily enough only once she'd eventually moved away after about 5 years next door! I was so used to having her around I never realized I was falling in love with her. It's so true what you say about putting this person, with all their flaws, on a pedestal, and trying uselessly to impress them. You go back in time to when you were young, that feeling of falling passionately in love that gradually faded once you got married. It's the strongest feeling on earth, so beautiful but at the same time so strong and so destructive and so violent. It'll still take me months and months to get over it, and unfortunately I've thrown a good friendship away because of my infatuation with this nice person. She says "I wish this had never happened. You can't imagine how upset this has made me, and I forgive you and as far as I am concerned we can still be friends", but I know that can never happen.

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    1. Ah, yes, infatuation patterns can be very complicated, no? Giving yourself time is definitely a good choice. Maybe your friendship has run its course and you can focus on allowing another friendship to come to you.

      Best of wishes,
      Wynona

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  12. Thank you for the article! It's so helpful. I've recently realised that I was infatuated...I thought it was love but the more I became obsessive with the person the more I started to realise it wasn't love-more like obsession. I ended it couple of day ago it still hurts but that's to your article I know it was not healthy... Thanks again

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    1. Hello,
      I'm glad you've been able to recognize destructive patterns in your life! It hurts but soon you shall heal and this will happen more quickly the more you align with healthy relating patterns.
      Thanks for reading!
      Wynona

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  13. Im going to read this everyday till I get over my obession with a man that only uses me for sex for many years that is bisexual yet tells me he will never love me. So hard when they are the most attractive person u have ever seen even when the sex is bad. Then to be in a loving 5 plus year relationship at the same time is hard to carry.

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    1. Ah, that sounds like a very complicated situation. You have the strength to get over it, and the more you align with healthy relating patterns, the less you have to call upon strength to align with health. More ease will flow with your interactions and intimacies.
      Best of wishes,
      Wynona

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  14. Thank you for this wonderful advice, Wynona :)
    This might change my life. Thanks again!

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    1. Thank you for such kind words!
      Best of wishes!
      Wynona

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  15. I've never read an article that describes me so well. You have a way with words I must say. They hit all the right nerves.

    This might be a bit long but I feel like I have to get it off my chest

    I am going through something similar and it's taking a toll on me. I can't focus. I feel pathetic and weird. Just last year I was perfectly happy and pretty pleased with myself and my life. Along comes this strikingly wonderful person. At first i didn't feel much. I only noticed how pretty she was. We worked on a project together and we had fun. I wouldn't say we got to know each other but it was fun. I was not obsessed. I didn't think about her all the time. I thought of her as a fun person to be around. Then the project was over and summer came. I started feeling a gap. Making conversations in my head. Obsess obsess and obsess. Work only managed to distract me a little. I looked forward to becoming her friend when I saw her again. The semester came and instead of befriending her I became infatuated with every little thing she did. I barely talk to her, I'm just too nervous to know what to say. It was more fun being around her when I wasn't so aware of her presence and my own incompetence. I liked her more when I wasn't obsessed with her and I liked MYSELF more when I was confident enough to not be intimidated by her. I'm tired of being so constantly aware of what I look like, how I'm sitting, what I'm wearing and what I'm saying when she's around. I want us to be friends. I want it to be easy. I don't want to be infatuated.

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    1. Hi Renad,

      I'm glad that my writing connected with you. Absence does make the "heart" grow fonder as they say, or in truthful terms, absence can make these messy ways of relating grow and grow strong.

      Just remember that she is a person, too, no more, no less, just like you. It is true that attractive people have an easier time captivating others, so I know it isn't easy to get her off the pedestal. Try paying more attention to nature or other people and seeing the beauty and wonder in them or yourself. Once you feel a little more grounded, analyzing the traits you obsess about can either hurt you or help you.

      Just focus on living for yourself and growing your own awesomeness and you won't have to worry about combating infatuation- you'll be too busy practicing authentic love for yourself and life.

      Hope that helps a bit and best of wishes,
      Wynona

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  16. I have been searching for answers and you have nailed it, I know that I am infatuated with someone but have not been able to stop it, I have been able to control myself from contacting this person but these thoughts affect my life and the loved ones around me. I have not told anyone of my obsession which has now been going on for over 1 year with an ex employee. I feel so happy when I think of this person and get so emotional when I think about not ever being with him, I do know it is time to let go and get over something that was never there
    I will endeavour to focus and put that wasted emotion into my loved ones who love me back
    Thank you Wynona for helping me and my family

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    1. Hello,
      Thank you for such a kind comment.
      Infatuation does totally get under our skin and sets off a bunch of emotion, but I am glad you've identified your trigger and are making conscious choices as to where you direct all that gun power.

      Take care and thanks for reading,
      Wynona

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  17. thanks so much!this really helped me..now i am able to get to being myself!

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    1. Hey!
      I'm very glad I could help. Thanks for reading!

      Take care,
      Wynona

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  18. Sometimes da lightnin' strikes and reason gets blown on to the back burner! That's the beauty of chemistry, but that chemistry will become a dynamite-strapped elephant charging into a nitroglycerin plant if you don't keep your cool so just chill and don't get all crazy and obsessed with your fantasy and just play it smooth baby, all will be well

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    1. Haha, the imagery is as funny as it is accurate :)

      Thanks for sharing :)

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  19. This is an amazing article and it is well-written. I'm in the same exact situation right now. I am infatuated with this person because of his voice and appearance. He's my friend and I've always enjoyed his friendship but five months or so ago, I started to slowly become attracted to him. Then summer came along and I forgot all about him. August came with a new coming school year, and I again, slowly started to become attracted to him. This attraction is now a pure obsession. Now, I am a person with big dreams, which I sincerely want to accomplish. Being infatuated is a total liability to my goals. I tried to break away from this obsession, but it is not working, mainly because he is responding to my extra attention. I really envy the time when I was just simply his friend and nothing more, the time when I was pleased with myself and the things I accomplished. Now I'm debating on whether to tell him about this so that I have an idea of what is really happening. I'm sorry for the length, but I am so confused and lost and annoyed with this problem.

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    1. Hello!
      Thanks for the kind comment.

      If you feel like you really want to tell him about your feelings, go ahead and tell him. Discussing it with him may help you ease back into being your normal self again- talking about it could take away some of the "charge" or momentum of your obsession.

      Just try to focus on yourself and the present moment, doing what feels good and try to find creative outlets.

      Hope that helps! Best of wishes,

      Wynona

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  20. Hi,

    Thank you so much for this wonderful article! It really helped take things into reconsideration.

    I'd recently become infatuated with this guy, but I barely know him. I only started liking him when he offered to hold the door while I was in a cast...yes, pathetic i know..
    sometimes, im surprised at myself for feeling jealous when this specific girl (who likes him, and who i think the guy likes too)

    to tell you the truth, i guess my infatuation stems from my loneliness. I'd moved into this private school and everyone just doesn't want to talk to me for some reason?! They treat me cheaply, think Im weird, it's complicated.. i really cant find any friends i can wholeheartedley trust, and have fun with. Maybe it's was because of a social trauma i had during middle school when some girls made fun of me/were mean to me for being myself.

    How can I resolve both this infatuation and this social problem?

    Thanks!

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    1. Hi Clara,

      It sucks to hear that you're feeling lonely! Personally, a lot of the people I know who went to private school can attest to its unique brand of social hierarchy and cliquey ways. I feel for you.

      Maybe you could try finding a small club with a few people who are interested in similar hobbies, inside or outside of school. I say focus on your studies and your own hobbies and just be yourself and the rest will fall into place. But honestly, try to venture outside of campus.

      I understand how such a simple gesture can create such intense feelings, especially when contrasted to others who aren't so nice. I'd say to just ride it out and not think too much of it, your mind will stop obsessing the more you focus on yourself and your own life.

      Hope this helps!

      Wynona

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  21. Hi Wyona,
    A very informative article and very useful, escpically in trying to combat Infatuation. Infatuation strikes me once in a while, it had been a long time since my last one, but although the feeling is great initially, I dread that it will linger on and can takes it toll. I recently became infactuated with a girl at work, and am trying to limit my feelings and get it out of my system, but sometimes it can be soo difficult. Especially knowing that nothings going to happen and no-one else knows about these feelings but me. I enjoy my work, i play sports and have a close knit people of family and friends, but when this happens then mostly i like to be by myself and spend time running trying to clear my head.

    Any further tips on trying to get it out of my system as quickly as possible would be great.

    Thank you so much!

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    1. Hello,

      It seems you have the rest of your life totally handled. My only advice is to let your infatuation lose its momentum- just trust that it will and know that it is merely an infatuation throughout the duration of its stay. Try to find a way to laugh at your infatuation- make a mockery or a joke of it. It sounds a little quirky, but every time you feel that surge coming in, narrate it from a comical outsider's point of view.

      I really hope that helps,

      Wynona

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  22. Thank a lot!! It vas indeed vry helpful!!!

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  23. Infatuation is the closest thing a sane person will ever come to madness

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  24. Great article. While reading I was thinking this is exactly my situation. I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced following this advice and ended up with the object of their infatuation?

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    1. Conceivable, but very doubtful. Don't forget that the people we're infatuated with are typically very strong independent people who are not at all interested in some needy pathetic person with no control over their emotions.

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    2. Actually, yes it does happen. Happened to me one time, and I married her. Worst mistake of my life. Now I'm trapped in a no-win situation. Be careful what you wish for! In my case, I was a strong, independent, non-needy person, then lost that when infatuated, regained it after marriage and realized I was with the wrong person. Still paying for that years later.

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    3. So, that was my question above. This past week I flew for business and sat next to her. I ended up telling her how inspired she made me over the past six months. I've lost weight, dress nicer, work harder, perform more charity and basically turned my unexpected emotions for an older married woman into a positive force in my life. He response was I'm glad I can have that effect on you. I know I did the right thing only it's such a depressing feeling.
      The best a is like a city dweller gets to spend some time with the queen. You know it's not meant to be...

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  25. Thank you for the great article I thought I was alone but after reading all the comments looks like I am in not alone after all I am married with 3 kids so obviously my infatuation is not harmless. I workout religiously and after 4 years of ignoring all the stares and not smiling back there was finally one smile I could not resist. First it was casual talk and than harmless flirting on both parts after a year of this and knowing I was totally obsessed with him I confronted him and told him we had to quit talking. I do my best to go to the gym at a different time then he does but more than half the time I end up going while he is there. He has since stopped talking to me or even making eye contact but now all that does is make me terribly sad inside and for the rest of the day I mope around. I will continue to read this article and try to put him out of my mind. My question is Is the only way to get him completely out of my mind by not seeing him anymore? I just can't bear to stop seeing him and yes my husband knows all about my obsession and it is ruining my marriage.

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    1. Hello,

      I think that you should try to let go of the charge behind the obsession. Try not to overidentify with your thoughts. If you injured yourself, it is normal to feel pain and be annoyed by it, yes? But it happened and it is over, your injury is done.

      Let yourself see that your obsession is done. You are already healing from it. It might be stinging like alcohol, but don't confuse the sting of cleansing for the rush of infatuation.

      Accept that your mind will have obsessive thoughts, but don't feed them. Try to laugh at those thoughts- they are silly like a child with a tantrum. Eventually, they will stop.

      Best of luck,
      Wynona

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    2. I feel for you I'm in a similar situation. I have been with my partner for 16 years we have 3 kids and have been very happy. We got together at uni so we were quite young I think this May be part of my problem. Earlier this year one of the dads at my kids school started to look at me and I mean really look, no one has ever looked at me like this usually this sort of thing would freak me out but with him I just want more. He carried on with the eye contact,then smiles, then just saying hi and we slowly began to talk. Now he knows I like him he is hot and cold which I think he knows drives me nuts but keeps me keen which is of course why he does it. Now I can't get him out of my head I think of him all the time, should I have said this done that. It is driving me crazy but I can't seem to let him go. I crave one more look or hello and I hate myself for it.

      Your article has been very helpful and made me laugh at myself for how I act exactly as you say. I just don't know why I can't let go. He is playing me I know and even if he wasn't we are both with someone and I'm not a cheat I love my partner

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    3. Hello,

      Sometimes we fall really hard because we don't give ourselves enough tender love and care. Have you tried spoiling yourself with love, awareness, and attention? Maybe once you get to pampering yourself, you can expand and share that energy towards your partner.

      Best of luck,
      Wynona

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    4. Thank you for your response. What you say is true, I just have to convince the rational part of my mind of that. I truly wished this had never happened I have never experienced anything like this before and don't feel like me anymore, I want to have my mind back and I'm hoping that that's half the battle!

      I have read through many of your articles and they are inspirational Im so pleased I found your site. All my thanks x

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    5. Hello!

      Thoughts can be really hard to detach from if you're not too used to detaching from them. I will be doing a blog post/possible video post about detaching from thoughts and not overidentifying.

      Thanks for reading. All the love,
      Wynona

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  26. i think i have been infatuated for nearly 2 years, i'm 14, hopefully i will get out of this soon, thanks

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    1. Hey!

      I wish you the best of luck and I totally feel for you.

      Wynona

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  27. Thanxxxx loads! Reali Helpful!!!!!!1

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  28. Wow. Great article!!! Thank you so much.

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  29. Great article! Describe my feelings as well! I wanted to describe my situation but then too shy to write it in public!

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    1. Hello,

      Thank you for the kind comment! If you are more comfortable you may email me at beingridiculouslygoodatlife@gmail.com

      Wynona

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  30. This article hit it on the nail with laser point accuracy for my case
    Thank you.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading!

      Best of wishes,
      Wynona

      Delete
  31. When this sexy bird farted in my left ear, ithought right ear now you need some of that and it got obcessed with trying to catch a fart even if it squeeked or stank bad, who cares its just obcession blowing in the wind!!!!

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  32. Thanks for the article. It really helps put things in perspective. Thanks again!

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  33. This by far is the best "how to stop obsessing over someone" article that really hit me. Every word you said makes sense and it all relates to me. Its like you took the words right off of my mouth. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Everything on this article is exactly how I feel!!! I m married and not happy with my partner and there is this guy I work with that I ve known him for over a year now but its been only the last 5 months that I became completely attracted to him!!! it started of as attraction and now I m noticing how obsessed I really am!!! he led me on to believe he was interested and when I told him about how I feel he rejected me saying that he didnt mean to lead me on and that he only wants to stay friends! we work together so I m really trying to just be friendly but at the same time he is in my thoughts constantly...and whenever I m around him I get very nervous and intimidated!! I feel an emptiness when I dont see him at work and it makes me extremely happy and giddy when he is there and I can hear his voice or laughter!! There are days that I am so worried and saddened that I ve become like this and feel like I m not myself....and days that I feel confident that I m gonna beat this madness!!! sorry for writting a long one and thank u for this article I m gonna keep reading it everyday when I wake up to remind me what I have to do!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,

      I trust you can let go of this. Just be gentle with yourself and bring your thoughts and focus back to where you want your life to be. Bring it back to happiness and freedom and let that feeling really flow through you. Love yourself and take care,

      Wynona

      Delete
  35. Hi, I hope you don't mind but I wanted to ask your opinion on being friends with the person your obsessed with. In my case it's a guy who gave me some attention, pathetic I know. However some good things have come out of it, I'm more confident and have started to make new friends and a following your advice am about to start some new hobbies. However the thoughts are still there I'm hoping they will gradually go but should I cut all contact or can we be casual friends. If I'm honest I'm not ready to let go but will being friends do more harm than good? Hope you don't mind the question

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello!

      I certainly do not mind any questions, that is what I write my blog for. I am glad to hear you are feeling more confident and are pursuing new hobbies. Don't feel bad about enjoying attention- we all need it, but try to give yourself lots and lots of it.

      Follow your heart. You may find the infatuation momentum slows the more you step into your own self more fully. No need to do anything drastic- it takes time to stop strong thought patterns, so don't be too harsh on yourself. Keep it lighthearted and happy, you're on the right path.

      Wynona

      Delete
    2. Thank you, I think I have spent to much time wishing this hadn't happened and should now just accept it and hopefully in time it will as you said fade. I will try to enjoy my new friends and hobbys hopefully this will help me x

      Delete
  36. Thank you Wynona, for sharing the wisdom. Hope I can apply it and free myself from pangs of infatuation at the workplace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for reading!

      Best of wishes,
      Wynona

      Delete
  37. Thanks for sharing the tips!

    I just got infatuated with someone, and it's heart-sinking painful :( This is the 3rd time I've been infatuated... problem is that im an introvert, so the rush of emotions that run through me don't have any where to go :( So its hurtful and soul crushing. So much that I start questioning my own worth! It gets to the point of prolonged depression. Its a miserable condition to be in, really.

    I'll try to use some of the tips u shared.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,

      Being an introvert myself, I totally understand how crushing the intensity can be. Hope you find ways to channel that energy that make you feel happy, peaceful, and free.

      Wynona

      Delete
  38. thank you for this amazing piece sums my new infacutation up - i met this amazing person and she is totally inside and out.... i am obsessed and its not healthy and i dont want to mess this up.... she has wonderful traits and mannerisims i cannot stop thinking about her and let go its only 2 weeks in and i thik i love her - this statement hits nail on the head too
    "Do they certain traits you feel might complete you? If so, consider the possibility that you are just disowning those traits in yourself and projecting them onto the other person." or the fact i want to be that type of person.

    i have saved this so i can come back to it when i have my infacuation moments.
    Love and light x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,

      Thanks for reading, I really hope those tips sink and help you on a deep level. It is very easy to disown our traits, and I hope you find a way to own up to them and feel much happier, freer, and peaceful.

      Wynona

      Delete
  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Winonna...I am glad looked into this problem; I have had an "affair of the heart" with a person who is well known(try world famous..! ) It has gone on for almost 40 years. I do discuss this with a therapist,just so you know. Bottom line, it hurts.I found your article helpful . Thank you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I can relate to you, not as intensely though. I once had very strong feelings for a young man who has gained a significant amount of fame in another country. It does hurt, but the more you go through the pain, the more you allow healing in. Hope the best for you,

      Wynona

      Delete
  41. How good would it be though, if that person you're infatuated with, felt the same. obviously never happens unless it's in a film, but still it would be great.

    mines totally unrealistic and will never come to fruition but I just can't stop thinking about it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, its ok to feel the desire for that requited intensity but infatuations are usually never healthy, so it is probably better that two people don't unhealthily infatuate over each other.

      It is okay to be at a place of nonstop thinking, but know that it is not permanent and that you can choose at any time to follow inner peace and give yourself all the love and attention and nurturing you need so that your mind doesn't use obsession as a source of fulfillment.

      Wynona

      Delete
  42. Hello,

    I've read some of the comments after reading your article; in a way it's comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Thank you very much for sharing!

    I've been struggling since last November, feeling sooo jumbled inside with my 26 year relationship and then elated when hearing the voice or seeing the smile of the person for whom I've developed these feelings for. It's scary and it had escalated to a point where I lost a valid and healthy working relationship with this girl. I've been able to recover somewhat of how it used to be by promising that I would keep things normal and not personal between us. This includes not calling her just to hear her voice and definitely not writing her any more intense and super personal notes professing my feelings for her.

    It's all consuming though and sooo intense yet not based on reality. I'm not over this yet, it's still very vivid and I've come to realize that I'm not quite able to get through this on my own so I'm getting help from a professional psychologist.

    I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate your insight. I completely relate and identify with what you conveyed. I hope by leaving this comment that others who feel as I do, won't feel like they are alone with no hope in sight. What helped me seek help were loving words from a family member saying "just because we are human beings that doesn't make us experts in human behavior" , help is out there and you are proof of that.

    Thanks again

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,

      I'm glad that you are getting yourself the help you feel is right for you, I hope it really works well for you. Thank you for the kind comment and I'm so glad I could help.

      Wynona

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the article. Its really very practical

      Delete
  43. I am really thankful to you because my situation is like this but I was thinking that I am so unlucky because why this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey,

      I know it sucks to have this happen but it is better not to give our personal power away and deem ourselves unlucky. These events unfold in our life because they reflect our inner state and needs- a message. Usually when infatuation strikes hard, we are living in a state that hinges on self neglect, so if you give yourself lots of love and freedom to pursue your own interests and goals, infatuation is much less likely to strike.

      Wynona

      Delete
  44. Last year I was in the unfortunate position of breaking my arm in the same position twice. I was referred for physiotherapy but fell in love with her immediately when I met her, I have seen her for for many appointments we get on well but just recently my infatuation for her seems to be growing into the dangerous obsession region I want to be with her and wonder what she is doing all the time.

    I know I am a lot older than her but that doesnt bother me, I am worried what
    i am becoming, please what should I do?

    I have read your article many times and tried to occupy my mind with other things but it doesnt seem to work,She is on my mind ALL the time.She works in a hospital and I know she sees many many people so may not be aware. I have tried to be really nice with her, at first I was shy and quiet but over time I am becoming more chatty with her but come away miserable and long for the next appointment. Should I tell her how its affecting me?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello,

      It is natural for the mind to focus on obsessive thoughts. The best thing right now would be to take a step back and understand that the mind is like a machine and it isn't YOU. So the next time you have a train of obsessive thoughts, take a breather and step back and realize that the mind will do this like an untrained animal and that it is ok. The less seriously you take these thoughts and the more you can laugh them off, the less tension they'll create in your life and the less momentum they'll be powered by.

      If you tell her, she might ask the hospital to transfer you to another therapist and maybe that might be best for you. Take it easy and don't put too much weight on your thought patterns- realize they aren't who you are or what you are meant for and do something thoughtless and repetitive but enjoyable to give your brain a rest.

      Best wishes,
      Wynona

      Delete
    2. The thing is I have been going to her for about 9 months and the feelings have grown and I am frustrated that I can not do anything
      I certainly dont want to be referred to someone else,I have already been doing what you suggest in your reply but it just makes me more miserable. Very weird thing this infatuation, I understand it is something to do with a natural chemical alkaloid in the brain called phenythalamine (PEA) which multiplies into the body and speeds up communication of nerve cells and triggers an explosion of emotions and feelings. Well, if that is true it is certainly happening to me.

      I dont know if I will ever speak openly to my physio but I am getting tempted but I am cautious about the outcome because then i will be even worse.

      I do step backwards to think outside the box but other thoughts on my mind are overcome and revert to my infatuation thoughts, it is really hard to deal with and very emotive too.

      So what should I do, really?

      Delete
    3. It seems to be you truly believe you will be worse and you give all the power of your well-being to your infatuation. I suggest you take back your power and ease through those initial feelings of misery. When such imbalanced tendencies take root, it usually is caused by an aspect of ourselves we are neglecting/disowning. Search inside yourself and be very proactive about being introspective. What are you projecting onto her? What about her makes her so special to you? This really is a call for a deep inner journey that demands you really take a good hard look at your life and lifestyle.

      Do you have a healthy family? A healthy group of friends? Personal hobbies and interests? A bucket list? What beliefs do you have? Do you have conflicting beliefs regarding relationships or relating to people or to yourself?

      You say you can not do anything but that is a self imposed limit. Stop giving the situation all of your power.

      Best,
      Wynona

      Delete
    4. I am single, have hobbies and interests which keep me occupied most of the time but this infatuation seems to overpower anything I do, what a pain it is. What is a bucket list? I dont know what attracts me to her, maybe its what she is being a physio who cares. I have thought long and hard about the attraction and I must admit I dont really know, maybe sexy(not really)? Younger? Her profession? Could be anything or am I just attracted to her because I am her patient and have been for sometime too? I wonder about what sort of life she has is she married, single etc. Perhaps its me who is trying to care too much?

      Should I speak to her in a non committal way ie not saying I fancy her but ask her about who she is, and gradually build up and stop short of saying I fancy her then weigh that up? As I have said I dont want to ruin things and have to be referred to someone else.

      What a blinder I have landed myself in, Should I try the approach I say above?

      Regards.

      Delete
    5. The infatuation will do that as long as you keep feeding it. Right now it seems you are denying yourself the thought of any hope or relief. I'd like you to really IMAGINE, THINK, AND VISUALIZE what your life would be like without this infatuation. Really put in the details. How will you feel when you wake up? What kind of mood will you be in? How do you want to BE?

      You need to really imagine this and think about what it is you want instead of focusing solely on what you are having lots of trouble dealing with.

      Also, many patients often fall for their doctors, it is quite normal for little crushes to occur but yours has gone very much off balance. Try googling the patient-doctor syndrome and maybe that will help you.

      Best!
      Wynona

      Delete
    6. Thanks for the continued advice, I have googled what you suggested I dont think its quite that bad. I Know about the Patient- physio relationship problems and the fact its very common and every case is different. I have already been doing what you suggest in your last
      reply. Of course in time it will pass but it is a confusing feeling this infatuation not knowing quite what to do it is indeed very confusing and gives continuous headaches, not knowing what the other person will say and do when approached that is why I asked should I be more chatty and ask her about herself and maybe I can get on better, i guess my problem is I am shy about asking. I need to get things in to perspective and not to let it get off balance as you suggest. I have read your article a few times it is very good, I havent read anything like it that explains what seems to be a very common problem, a year ago before my accidents I had no idea what was going to happen, quite an experience i can tell you, I had no idea I would land up having to ask you for advice.

      I hope I am not boring you with all this but do note what you say even though what we both think seems to be similar.

      So now am I thinking right and should i do what i have said about the approach?

      Regards

      Delete
    7. Hello,

      As much as I like giving out free advice, I have to refrain from giving out extensive customized advice without receiving some form of a donation. Please see my Personal Consultation tab if you are interested.

      Best,
      Wynona

      Delete
    8. If I were to donate as you suggest for a final answer it would mean revealing who I am. I have chosen to remain anonymous like others. The question in my last message was to be my last on the matter because I think I may have worked out my problem also I am not in America so dont know what the currency conversion would be in my country.

      As I said it was to be my last question if you could answer that then I would be satisfied. After that I would be going round in circles anyway.

      Regards and Thanks.

      Delete
    9. Hello,

      I respect the privacy of all of my donors. I also respect the integrity of my business, and I am sorry but I do not do thorough advice for free. There is also the internet if you need to figure out conversions to US dollars.

      Life involves a give and take, and if you seek additional help you know how to go about it, if not just listen to your intuition.

      Best regards,
      Wynona

      Delete
    10. Wynona, I respect you have to make a living but I only wanted the answer to the last message and $90 for that in any currency is too much for one last answer, shame I like what you say in your handling of the infatuation problem article and for the most part I can relate to that and I am sorry that I have had to go on a bit about my particular problem but now I feel left in the lurch without an ultimate answer.

      Delete
    11. You can choose the $8 package :)

      Delete
    12. $8 how would you know its me? All I need to my last question is should I do the approach in the message timed at February 15 2014 at 2:14am a simple yes or no.

      Delete
    13. Dear Anonymous,
      You can email me with the time that your donation was sent. It seems to me that you are now aggressively seeking out this answer from me and placing great importance on it, which conflicts with you being resistant to paying in exchange for that importance.
      There is a very good reason why people in my field do not do this for free- an exchange in a vital part of the learning process and how one feels about exchanges reflects their overall views, beliefs, and blockages when it comes to their incoming and outgoing energy.
      Infatuation rarely hits those with freely flowing energy, and I do not mean just in the monetary sense.

      Please do not debate the matter with me further for I have already told you what is required,
      Wynona

      Delete
    14. I wouldnt say i was being aggressively seeking an answer but if i were to make a donation would i get a straight answer, how long does the donation take to clear?

      Delete
    15. You would definitely get a straight answer with elaboration and PayPal donations are instant from my experience. :)

      Delete
    16. Oh well, I have an appointment with my infatuation interest(physiotherapist) tomorrow (my time) and I will try to put my theory into practice (trying to speak in depth with her) but if i bottle out or something goes wrong I will be in touch.

      Delete
    17. Best of luck on your appointment :)

      Delete
    18. Thanks Wynona,

      I had my appointment and things went well I spoke with her and I managed to break down "the wall" a bit she revealed a few things
      about herself which surprised me a bit needless to say my assumptions were right she is a lot younger than me but that doesnt bother me. I did say something wrong to her which upset her a bit but being the nice guy I am I went up to see her again today to apologise which she fully accepted, we had a brief chat and I left
      feeling good that she accepted my apology. Next appt I will try and find out a bit more (hopefully!) about her. Stay tuned!!

      Delete
  45. Wynona, thank you for this wonderful article. And thank you for helping so many people. You're a gifted writer and clearly have a heart to help others.

    I've been struggling with infatuation for a little while. There's a person I work with that I haven't been able to get out of my head for the past few weeks. For me, it's just one of those things that happens from time to time. I know it's temporary, and I've always been able to get past it. But I get frustrated and impatient with myself.

    In any case, reading your article and about the experiences of others in the comments has made me feel much better. I look forward to reading more of your material.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the kind comment.
      I'm glad I was able to help a bit!

      Best wishes and I hope my writing continues to help,
      Wynona

      Delete
  46. I met someone and after reading this I have realised that I have pretty much become infatuated. Since I have met her I have stopped focussing on hobbies and I tend to just wait around for her to come online. Its so easy to get into this habit. I think I will just focus on myself and fit her in around my life. I think subconsciously I have noticed she has a few similar traits to my ex gf who I have only recently managed to move on from. So easy to let someone take over your thoughts, I was actually waiting up for her to come back online in the hope of speaking to her but after reading this im just going to go to sleep. It really isnt healthy and I need to do some serious self improvement before even considering a new relationship. Thanks for the article anyway, didn't realise I was going to type so much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nip the bud! I'm glad to hear you are choosing to focus on you :)
      Best of luck! Hope you make some awesome developments in your hobbies and stay open to the fun of life.

      Wynona

      Delete
  47. Hi I have been checking out this cool girl I have been noticing for sometime i feel a bit infatuated with her but dont know how to break the ice with her and get to know her what do you think i should do about it should i talk to her or what i like her a lot. love your web page.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi! If you want details, tell me about her and what you are like and what you're into and you can email that information to me. See my personal consultation tab!

      Generally, breaking the ice can be easily done if you have a friend who can introduce you two or you find an excuse to talk to her or get involved in a project with her.

      Best!
      Wynona

      Delete
  48. Hi Wynona,

    Thanks so much for sharing this.
    I don't know if it's happening in my case but I have never talked to this man and still feel carried away only by seeing him. Do you think, I shall feel guilty and stop this coz I am married?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi!
      I think you should ask yourself what it is about him that makes you feel carried away just by seeing him. This infatuation is probably due to something in your subconscious manifesting, so take a good look at what could be causing this.

      Best,
      Wynona

      Delete
  49. Wynona, thank you so much for this. It's really given me a new perspective on things, and I think I can move on with your advice. You've really helped me :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad my writing has helped you! Hope my other articles have something to offer as well :)

      Best of wishes,
      Wynona

      Delete
  50. Perfect this is exactly what I needed thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course!

      Glad you found what you searched for!

      Wynona

      Delete
  51. Hi your article has been a massive help to me and I have been really trying to detach my self from this obsession by being more social taking up new hobbies and now even limiting contact with this guy. I can't however stop thinking about him when I'm not otherwise occupied. I can't even remember what I used to think about before this happened it started about a year ago and got really bad about 7 months ago I'm so sick of thinking about this/him I think I need to retrain my brain but how!

    ReplyDelete
  52. My situation to a tee. Except that in my case it is even worse, because even if the other person did become interested, I can't really action anything in a positive way since I'm married to someone else -- someone who I obviously don't feel that way about and haven't for a long time. I actually confessed to this woman (much younger, by the way), my feelings for her and at least at first she was understanding and still wanted to remain very close friends, even doing sleepovers with me (I work remotely in a different city from where I live, so have my own apartment there). This was two months ago. I think a combination of my continued obsessive behavior along with her thinking through the situation more, has caused her to cool significantly and withdraw. This is the point that is the most painful for me because I'm having the withdrawal symptoms now. I've become somewhat of a serial obsessor and thankfully, because I am married, in almost all cases the other person, while friendly, doesn't want to pursue things further. So, I just end up getting emotionally hurt over and over again. Why do I do it? Because I feel trapped in my marriage for many reason I won't go into, and this is the only way to feel that rush described above. I've chosen to live with the pain rather than live my life without ever feeling that feeling again. This latest episode might cure me of that because it is the most painful to date. I'm a really logical person, but logic seems to go out the window here. I think in my case I'm obsessing so much because I'm so close (in my mind) to being with someone young, beautiful and exciting and if I lose her I'll likely never find someone like that again. Especially difficult being married, as most women (rightly so) won't risk getting that close to someone in my situation. So I try to hold on as tightly as possible. Another good song, by the way, is Hold On Loosely by 38 Special. I just can't seem to execute on this. The right thing to do would be to figure out my marriage of 25 years, and if I can't, then divorce so I can pursue relationships more honestly. My options would open up considerably if I did that and would likely be less susceptible to obsessing. I'm sure most of your aren't married, but even if single, you might analyze to see if there is something you view as limiting your ability to be with other men/women, and if so, that might be a driver for you obsessing on this "one" person. Best of luck to you all!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Anonymous,
      I do agree that one really needs to analyze their beliefs about themselves and marriage if they feel marriage is hindering them from being with others. It is really unfair to one's partner to keep feeding obsessions, and if one feels trapped, then they should discuss it and figure out if anything can be done. Maybe some people married for the wrong reasons, and if so the truth eventually prevails and some might find themselves knock down by the truth that they really did not marry the right person. If so, it is never too late- if one feels that they married the wrong person, I have a feeling that the other partner feels the same way unless they have worked very diligently on ignoring the aspects of the marriage.
      Pursuing a young, beautiful, exciting, and most of the time thoughtless/wreckless woman/man can be a real thrill, but have you considered that for them, having a forbidden lover is also a thrill? Just a thrill. Thrills will wear off, especially when someone comes to their senses. No one with a balanced sense of self really wants to become seriously involved with someone who feels trapped by a marriage and feels so powerless to the marriage that they pursue others while still committed. Attention and admiration from people we glorify or put on a pedestal can be addicting and it can drive you mad- the more we become aware of this very natural tendency, the less power it has over us.

      Delete
  53. Wynona, thanks for the advice. In my current situation, the young woman just wants to be friends, so we haven't been intimate, nor do I expect she'll ever want that. At the same time, she has been spending some nights with me and cuddling while watching a movie. She does end up sleeping separately on the couch, though. She might be starting to pull away now, perhaps becoming more uncomfortable with the situation. This is what is triggering my separation pain, but I suppose better now than later, as I think the more time I spend with her the more difficult it will be when she does eventually find someone else who she can be more than just a friend with. Really I'm just torturing myself, but as many point out, it is difficult to break that addiction. In the past two weeks, I've always been the one to initiate contact, so am trying to resolve myself to not contact her first at this point. If/when she does contact me, as I'm sure she will eventually, even if just out of curiosity, I need to be ready with a decision as to whether I continue the friendship as is, whether to do a dramatic "break up" of sorts and tell her I don't think I can handle this, or whether to just gradually spend less time with her and let it die a natural death. I'm not really happy with any of these options, but I'm kind of stuck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello anonymous,
      I can say that letting it die a natural death is much easier said than done. You have to be quite firm with your intentions with what you do with your time, emotions, and energy. The separation pain is something you can work through- it will hurt but it will pass. You don't have to be stuck, you just need to make a decision and commit to it and put your energy and attention into committing to that decision and directing your life to where you want it to be. Focus on the situation you do want- and I hope that means one that is clear and free of complications. Try to focus on a situation in respects to a state of being- focus on feeling free, independent, and balanced enough that you no longer fall into infatuations. Really imagine what it feels like to be free in all aspects of your life in the most harmonious and balanced way.

      I wish you total clarity,
      Wynona

      Delete
    2. Thanks for you response. I will certainly try to be strong!

      Delete
  54. Continuing my thread last entered on 19 feb 2014, I have had another appt with my infatuation interest (my Physiotherapist), I have had a long chat with her during the session and found out a few more things about her but still havent quite made the ultimate break through to ask if shes available. I know she is a lot younger than me, thats not a problem. I am worried if I go too far with the questions she may either end the sessions or a plain downright rejection, what a to do! Between appointments I get the urge to see her one way or the other but dont.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Her being much younger than you might not be a problem for you, but really try to look at the situation through her perspective. I really do not condone the prolonging and feeding of an infatuation but I am glad that you feel comfortable speaking about it. I think the thread above might be pertinent to your situation.

      Delete
  55. Hello,

    Your article speaks volumes to me, and I am trying to follow all of your advise, but I am struggling. I sit and try to visualise the ties being cut but my subconsious betrays me and I just can't do it. I want him, but I don't want him! I have such wonderful dreams about him when I'm asleep, then I wake up angry at myself. I want to stop this obsession, but then a part of me enjoys it and won't let it stop!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Continuing from 7 March14 8.45am reply.
    She knows I am older than her from my records and has done nothing about that so age isnt an issue it would seem and I do see it from her perspective. She is bound by her rules of behaviour and ethics etc and cannot speak too much about her self whilst I am her patient, that is the problem. I could easily ask her are you married, single etc but because of the ethics problem she wont answer that, she knows a lot about me because I am being open and she does show interests in what I say and we do have a good time now at the sessions. If its a case of her just being nice for her patients, I too have been very nice to her thats why I think we get on good. Next appt in a few weeks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. unless you want to make a contribution for my time and attention, there's no point telling me more after i've already given my insight repeatedly to no avail.

      Delete
  57. Hello Wyona I have this hot chick in my view but I havent the nerve to talk to her,I have sort of known her for a while but cant seem to build up the bottle to say how hot she is and its doing my head in I talk about her all the time and bore the life out of people talking about it. Its doing my head in, why cant life be simple? I am afraid of rejection, I have had infatuation problems before and I land up getting frustrated and depressed and it affects my life and everything I do. I have read your article above, it strikes a cord with me. Well written, have you suffered such problems you seem to know a lot about it. Lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  58. thank you!! It help me somehow.. btw I'm thinking about getting to know her in the near future and just focus on my studies, so when that time comes I am mature enough to deal with love and relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Thank you so much for writing this, I'm a 20 year old female currently attending radiology school in my third year, and i have never experience this until now, i mean i have had love interests but nothing this intense. There is this guy that is also in my program, hes a 4rth year, and as soon as i formally met him i have been pretty much infatuated. Just something about him makes all the nerves in my body stand on edge, hes tall, handsome, a little older, just the way he carries himself is so inviting. The way he spoke to me, and intensively listened to me when i talked, just everything about him gave me such a rush. First it started out small but over the months i have found myself thinking about him way more than i should for someone i barely know, i would keep playing out things in my mind about how we would make a connection and could possibly start dating. I kept thinking of ways we could run into each other since it wasn't very often that we did considering he is a year ahead of me, and what i could say to him. Unfortunately every time i do run into him i get extremely shy and avoid him as much as possible, which didn't help with my self esteem as you could imagine, i felt inadequate, and i hated i was doing this to myself. I was also very embarrassed of these feeling since Ive always been very independent and have never experienced something like this before. Truly i felt alone in this situation until i stumbled upon your article. It has gave me a new perspective on the situation and has helped me decide to let go and let the cards fall where they may. Some days its easy and some days its not. But when i feel doubtful i always come back to this article and it always puts the healing process right back into motion. (i have probably memorized this article! haha!) But i just wanted to say thank you for the inspiration! You have a great way with word expression, keep up the good work!

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  60. Read this. It perfectly sums what I'm going through right now. I've been in a relationship for some years now and I feel that it started to grow... stagnant. Likely due to lack of self-improvement on my behalf and further concentration on my own activities: things I'm trying to do by going back to the gym, possibly apply for college and turning down the romantic momentum of some thoughts.

    However, as much as I work on self-improvement and as able as I might be to look at my ex-boyfriend and see him for what he is: someone very dear, and very special for which I have a crush right now, I know that I feel so because something isn't right in my life or relationship right now.

    If so, where the heck do I go to from now? Should I break up with who I am and just be on my own for a while? Knowing how I feel doesn't help me much when I'm standing between an infatuation and someone who has been with me for some years now.

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    Replies
    1. Hello Anonymous,

      Be very patient with yourself and your relationship. You are now coming back into focusing on yourself and developing your own hobbies and awareness. This awareness will flow into your relationship- also try to communicate this effort with your partner. Both of you might just need more time to develop yourselves, so that when you are back together, you have grown and have much to share with each other again. Through this sharing of growth and newness, your relationship might just start flowing abundantly again, and you will find a new zest for life and each other.

      Best,
      Wynona

      Delete
  61. Thanks, I was getting crazy with a girl whom I met just a month back - I was going through the exact feeling you have mentioned here. I'm going to live for myself first , while still being interested in her. If she comes into my life I'll happy else I'll wait for that special person! :) Thanks a ton!

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  62. You have put things into perspective for me. I was involved with a person who is still in a relationships. I still continued to see him even when he told me that no POA was ever worth leaving what he had. As much as I foungt not to get attached, I did. I know its not love what I feel but infatuation/obsession for him. I'm going to do excatly what you recommend and I will refuse to continue this affair. You nailed it and I'm grateful for reading this. Thank you.

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  63. Hey Wynona,

    Like everyone else here has said, thank you for putting this into perspective and for giving tangible steps to overcome what has overtaken my life. I've been married basically 3 years less than my infatutuee's husband has been alive. I don't know why this has happened, I thought it might be a bit of a Florence Nightengale effect as she was treating my terminally ill dog, but this is the biggest infatuation I've dealt with in 20 years (I, too, fell like I'm a serial infatutuator, I've had 3-4 huge infatuations in my life). I used to see her pretty much every week, and have thought about her all the time for the last couple of months. Unfortunately our pup left us a couple of weeks ago, but my thoughts haven't ever stopped thinking about her. I've met her husband, she's met my wife. I know she has no interest in me at all, and I am at peace with that. I love and appreciate her as a friend but don't know how to deal with my infatuation or obsession with her. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate the help.

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    Replies
    1. Hello Anonymous,

      I think that her admirable qualities have been highlighted- she has cared for your dog and that has emphasized her nurturing and kind qualities, so you have seen her in an angelic light. This happens often to the infatuation prone, and it is nothing to worry about. Just relax and be okay with the temporary burst in admiration, try to let that energy dissipate and go into all aspects of your life and towards your self and your wife.

      Best,
      Wynona

      Delete
  64. GREAT article. Surprisingly the only one in this big World Wide Web that talks about this so comprehensively. I like the part on surrendering the infatuation.

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  65. Really can't remember how I got over my infatuation with a teacher. Had fun with it until I got bored, I guess. But, boy, was I obsessed there for a while! I used to agonize over whether he was looking at me in class and I'd replay over and over every conversation we had. The last time I talked to him he was very warm and friendly and I just thought to myself "Perfect! Leave it on a high note." I'm only interested in unavailable men and, even then, only temporarily. Obsessing over men who I have no chance with is about as close as I'm ever going to get to a real relationship and I'm fine with that. I'm over the teacher and have no idea who I'll focus on next. Great article, thanks.

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  66. I have a lovely boyfriend, who I fell passionately in love with 6 months ago. It was the real mccoy - I couldn't sleep and thought about him endlessly. I felt incredibly happy all the time, seemed to glide through my work life, was totally energised. He was besotted with me too, and so, after about a month we became exclusive and very soon started to talk about getting engaged. Now we are coming up to 6 months of serious involvement, and have begun to talk seriously about getting engaged. We've even been looking at rings! Suddenly I met someone new on a work weekend, and I feel completely distracted. There were so many things about him which were intriguing, and I felt very comfortable with him, and excited by him. Some of them were very similar things to the things which attract me to my boyfriend, others quite different. I didn't shy away from spending time with him; I liked him better than the other people there. However, I was surprised when he suggested that we could hang out, unnerved when he said goodbye to me with a 'See you soon' and leant me something which gives me a pretext to see him again, and worried when he texted me to check that I had got home safely. Worried because I liked all of these things happening. Now I am confused. I don't know if it's best to give him a wide berth and concentrate on my lovely boyfriend and the relationship I'm in, which is on the brink of a serious commitment, or if we can get to know each other. I'm scared of what might happen if we like each other a lot. My current boyfriend is wonderful; I really don't want to get into a comparison situation. On the other hand, it seems odd and oppressive to refuse to explore something interesting.

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    Replies
    1. Hello Anonymous,
      First of all, I'd like to let you know that I can relate and that the best thing I did for myself in such a situation was to realize that 6 months of knowing someone really isn't long enough to make such a huge commitment such as an engagement. I know how easy it can be to reject such a saying, but I honestly know how deeply and passionately and lovingly one can become entwined with another. Engagement, while not a bad idea, needs lots and lots of time. You have your entire life ahead of you, there is no need at all to rush an engagement. I think the rush of an engagement and the thought of a wedding drives many couples into something that they are not quite ready for- wait it out. Your commitment should come naturally- think of an engagement as a decoration and your relationship as the true substance.

      Also, if you are having feelings for someone else, ask yourself if its because you are bored with your life/self/relationship. Maybe you really like this guy because he is fulfilling something for you that you are not fulfilling for yourself or that your significant other is not fulfilling for you. Maybe you just really like the attention or affection or special treatment that this new person is giving you. Just observe and see what you think the truth really is- be honest and open with yourself.

      Again, the best thing I think for you to do is to give the engagement some time. It may seem like a very fun and exciting and romantic idea right now, but practice a little detachment and patience and try to hold it off. In all honesty, I don't think an engagement sounds like the best idea right now if you are interested in someone else.

      Best of wishes

      Delete
  67. Ok so I was absolutely compelled to write something. Thank god there are other people going through this craziness. I am about to turn 30 and began sleeping with a guy a few months ago. At first it was fine, we each had busy lives so there was no weird power struggle. He made it clear at the offset he was not ready for anything serious however slowly I grew more and more attached, and I think it started to show. Asides from a few hours of his precious time a week, I don't see or hear from him. He wont even give me his number, his justification being that we live in the same apartment block so if we want to see eachother we should just knock, forget this technology stuff. He claims the ball is in my court and I can always turn him away if I dont want to do this anymore but I am now seeing this is just games. All of my friend are screaming at me "why are you putting up with this, come on it is getting pathetic now" but everytime he knocks on the door my heart races and I forget the speech I have prepared in my head to set the world to order. I know (really I do) that there is no future and this is not someone who respects me or who I could introduce to my family with that kind of behaviour! When we are together everything is great so I begin to think maybe there is something there and somehow this time will be different.You become sneaky exactly as you say, how can I 'accidentally' create a scenario that we run into eachother. Lame! The simple truth is there is no winning here. It is also affecting me being able to meet and open up to other people and believe me I have tried. Just writing this to you and seeing it in print has helped immensely. I am going to take your advice and focus on planning for my vacation. I hope that when I get back the spell will be broken. If you do have any tips to 'keep me strong" and resist the urge to let him back in please I am all ears??? Thankyou for offering this forum....I am sure our friends will be grateful also so the dont have to hear this story yet again :)

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  68. Dear Author,

    This was the absolutely most insanely perfect description of what I am dealing with. Problem is, please no judging, I met him through a very good mutual friend at her son's birthday party and again the next day we ran into each other and he helped me with my children... I was somewhat attracted but didn't think much more if it as I'm married. Not happily, mind you. Neither of us are, but we have 3 children together and we're both young, etc...

    Most important factor to the story is this: our mutual friend I met him through told me he was a serious player. So, last weekend my girlfriend and I were out having "after-finals-drinks" and he and his friend showed up. Long, complicated story short, this guy I was crushing "the player" devoted every ounce of his affection, attention, and CRAZY good dancing skills towards me for the next 3 and a half hours. KNOWING I'm married and with plenty of other available, attractive women in the bar. As much as I kept reminding myself of his reputation, and was playing hard to get, he hooked me. He even guarded me with his body from a fight, twice! That was my "sigh" moment.

    So, now a week later, I sit here looking up how to get over an infatuation and I have not heard from him since. He never asked for my number, he never friended me on Facebook, nothing......and we have many mutual friends so it's not like he can't get ahold of me.
    Last night, we went out again. Subconsciously I was looking for him the entire time and couldn't even be interested in anyone else (again no judging please). This is pathetic and ridiculous. My guy friend said I was a conquest, the forbidden fruit. And by playing hard to get, he just rolled onto the next one....
    Advice?!

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  69. Very interesting article, i really liked it and i believe it will help me with my situation! keep up the Good Work :)

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  70. Hi I'd really like to buy your eBook on Before You Cheat but I don't have a Kindle and cannot seem to buy it from Amazon. Is there another way I could pay for it and you could email me the file?
    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  71. This part made me laugh out loud: An infatuation is "a unicorn that bleeds rainbow blood." It reminded me of how crazy it can make me feel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha I'm glad you got a chuckle out of that :)
      Take care!

      Delete
  72. This is exactly what I needed to hear! I'm very logically minded, so I can see that this infatuation is baseless, that it can't lead anywhere, and that I don't really want to be with that person... but the "rush" feelings are muddying everything up. So I have to come read things like this to remind me of what I really value in my life.
    I have recognised that I'm attracted to them in a sense of admiration for who they are, their personality and intelligence and other traits, so I think the point about self-improvement is relevant in this kind of situation. The hardest thing is, some small part of me is like, "No! I don't want to let it go and forget about this guy!" I'm sure one day I'll look back and wonder why I wasted so much energy caring about it, in the end!

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad this article could offer you something :) I wish you all the clarity you will ever need.
      Wynona

      Delete
  73. I enjoyed reading your article. I'm experiencing this same problem with a woman I work with. My problem is that I'm a married man, separated from my wife over the last 8 months due to her relocating for a job. I've been trying to transfer since she left. Thankfully I've finally found one, and I'll be joining her very soon. That aside, I constantly think about her. I know it's wrong, and I haven't done anything to compromise my marriage(my momma taught me better), but I can't stop obsessing over her. I get very upset, more so than normal, when she blows me off to do something else. I just can't figure out why? Hopefully some of the tips you've provided will help me. That, and finally being with my wife again, away from her permanently. Thank you for your advice.

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  74. Piss me off! I always say that to myself when I drop back into imagination of a perfect person. I am pissing myself off. Finally decided to seek help. Here I am reading the first thin I found on Google. It's so helpful. Really. God bless you.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for reading! Wishing you a smooth road!

      Delete
  75. I have crush on this fine Latino brother I think reason why I haven't made a move because I need to get my self together once i'll do that i'll be good once I get full-time employment and my own place than I can talk someone but right now I got work on me. Just like Billy Preston song says Nothing from Nothing leads nothing. you gotta have something if wanna be with me.

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  76. Thank you so much for this article!! It is exactly what I was going through. It all started off as a joke on Facebook that me and my friend were going out and when we were together we would pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend. That was fine at first and then somehow along the line we got drunk and me and her kissed. This is when my infatuation with her started...

    I then found myself doing things that in hindsight were just stupid, I would walk a
    different route just on the off chance that I might run into her, before txting or facebook messaging her I would overthink what I am going to write to her. I tried to do things to keep my mind off her but nothing seemed to work. What sucked is that because we were with the same group of friends, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone and I kept it bottled up. She eventually moved overseas (which really really sucked) and I could still not stop thinking about her.

    What I found that did help was the long distance between us, and my feelings and emotions shrunk to the point that I thought about her for literally 2 seconds a day (Which was pretty good compared to what it was before). A few years passed and she came back for a holiday, Over those years of her being away I had done a lot of growing up. When I saw her after all those years I felt in control of my emotions at the time until..... once again we had got drunk and slept together and now whats funny is that we are now sort of "friends with benefits" which im not sure if its a good thing or not.

    In short this article pretty much identifies all the stuff I was going through and at least I have the tools to identify the fact that I didn't love her, but it was that I was just infatuated with her.

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  77. wow. Did you write that while you were infatuated? That is one golden nutshell you have pulled off. For me your description alone brings a light. It is a familiar thing to me, I have noticed myself in the early stages of it once again and thank god I found this write up.
    Even in the face of there being almost no chance of the attraction being reciprocated I feel encouraged by mainstream culture to let the person know how I feel. Is this a bad idea? I feel it's a bad idea.
    Also, as a side note, what are your thoughts of the concept of "Friendzone."
    As a guy I feel like girls have techniques of expressing their non-interest, I also feel this is instantly the bases for the permanent setting for how that relationship will be from there on. So i would never allow myself the spark of interest. Forever Alone.

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  78. Thank you this. Your words exactly describe what I'm going through. I will try to improve myself in hopes of getting over my infatuation with a girl, of whom I've only worked with for two days at a new job. She made an impression on me the first day and after that I couldn't stop thinking about her and after thinking about her and day dreaming scenarios of how we'd be together, I feel completely stupid and annoyed with myself. To put any person on a pedestal, I know I'm setting my self up for a fail. It's happened before so I should know better. I've allowed the thought of her to take over my brain and it's affecting my productivity.
    Begone infatuation. BEGONE!

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  79. Thank you! I really learned a lot. Now, I can be happier.. Thanks again..

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  80. Hello my name is Anthony and i've been going through a problem of Infatuation for over 3 years.
    its with a singer named Sara, she is from canada. i know these feelings can't be real cause i barely know her.
    but the feelings are there anyway..i don't know why i feel so strongly. it all started when i met her at one
    of her concerts..just talked a little bit with her but when i left...well thats when it started.
    for a while i just thought i was star struck but now...i just don't know anymore..it feels like a million
    tons of bricks have been placed on my chest. i need some help or at least some advice..i've triedeverything it
    seems.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anthony,

      You may email me at beingridiculouslygoodatlife@gmail.com for privacy's sake to give me more details about the issue you would like to work through.

      Hoping to hear from you.

      Delete
  81. Hello Winona,

    I was the one who gave you a long thread earlier this year regarding my infatuation for my physiotherapist who is a lot younger than me.
    Well, yesterday I saw her for what was possibly my last session until
    specialists sort out my medical problem and I am devastated that I might
    not ever see her again despite the fact we get on great and I have had a wonderful time with her, I have done something that may be regarded as a bit on the "cheesy" side I have dropped off a letter to tell her how I have felt about her for the last year or so and asked for an in depth account of the treatment she has bestowed upon me, I am hoping that I will see her again at some stage but at the moment I am upset that things are in limbo, I just want to see her! Now this has happened I am not quite sure how to deal with my emotions,
    please advise. Regards.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Anonymous,

      Why don't you email me at beingridiculouslygoodatlife@gmail.com for privacy reasons.

      Regards.

      Delete
  82. That article is so well written Wynona. It really does help me to read it, and to read other people's comments too. Makes me realise that my current infatuation is perfectly normal, even if it is diifficult to deal with. Mine is difficult for me as we're both single and get on really well, so the only problem is she doesn't fancy me! Not a lot I can do about that really, which makes it worse for some reason.

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    Replies
    1. So I decided to move jobs to get away from her in the end. It had to be done as I just couldn't control my feelings and it was starting to really eat me up, having to work shoulder to shoulder with her all day and just wanting to be with her, but knowing she didn't feel the same.

      I left work on Friday, and said goodbye to her yesterday. She hugged me and wished me luck etc, and I tried to be cool about it while all the time my heart is completely breaking, knowing for sure now that it will never happen between us, and I'll probably never even see her again.

      I think I did the right thing, and I know I'll feel better soon for getting out of her orbit, but It's so hard at the moment.

      It seems to cruel that life should be set up like this; to make your heart yearn for someone so bad, yet make it completely outside of your control to make that person feel the same.

      Delete
  83. Im a guy....this article was amazing! What would I do without you :) thanks so much

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  84. Thank you for this article. I have noticed that I trust less in the process and lose my grounding more with age - out of loneliness or panic of being alone maybe. I think this has added to a couple of obsessions over the years, making them worse. Is it possible to suggest some calming thoughts when that loneliness or panic is at play?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Great question!

      When I think of calming thoughts, I think more of a calming mindset. Instead of just 1 or 2 affirmations that you might be reciting in vain, a calming mindset is often much more effective.

      When you feel the panic or loneliness setting in, before it starts gaining momentum, take a step back and let go of the panic. Remember that the panic is not you, its just something you allowed to grow. Don't let the panic feeling get a hold on you, its basically claiming it belongs with you but you know I doesn't. It can't claim you anymore. Then go do something fun or meditative to take your mind off the panic, like a chore you kind of enjoy or some exercise. Watch a comedy. Lift your spirits. Don't let the panic trick you into thinking its a giant.

      Delete
  85. This is amazing, perfectly describes everything I'm going through. Thank you :)

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  86. Remember they poop too! You might not like the stink!

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  87. Thanks, this was very, very helpful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The hum from the bum makes me cum.

      Delete
  88. I met someone a few months ago, but just spent more time with him over the weekend and got to know him a little better. I can't stop thinking about him and this article describes perfectly what is going on in my head. Thank you for writing this, I couldn't have described the feelings any better. Also, the comments help to know that I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing.

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  89. Oh my God, those first few paragraphs capture exactly what I'm going through more than anything else I've found. I'm married, but very attracted to and obsessed with a younger coworker. I cannot stop thinking about her, night and day. It's destroying me.

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  90. This article is so very helpful. I have to admit I felt so identified... I also have to get something off my chest. When I started my current job I felt attracted to a coworker yet I thought I was making up stuff in my mind as you say in your article I was overanalyzing... He did give some hints and I was totally freaking out, I realized that I could not trust myself with this guy. So honestly I avoided him, turns out he recently quit. I wanted to say goodbye and wish him luck, so I asked for his phone number and texted him, I kept picking up hints so I took a chance and confessed my crush. He came clean and said he felt the same. I must clarify I´m in a stable relationship… And against all signs of the universe, I bid him farewell and somehow it felt right... I guess what scares me the most is that I did not feel any guilt. Furthermore, I do really love my boyfriend and this guy also has a long distance girlfriend. I feel completely shaken and out of my normal self. What´s worse is that this guy says that he wants to get to know me. I realize that this is just infatuation but I´m scared it might become obsessive. I have a lot of alone time ahead of me. I really want to get to the bottom of this and sort out everything. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend and I just can’t picture myself with anybody else. Thanks so much for this article!

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  91. Best comment I've heard on the subject so far. Very helpful... thank you!

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  92. Thank you very much. I do comedy open mics and I've recently become infatuated with another new comedian. I'm going to be seeing her 2 or 3 times a week for the forseeable future so I could see the obsession really ruining my life if I don't get control of it. I just tried the meditation exercise and I already feel a little better. Thank you for writing this, so much of it rang true for me, especially the part about telling them some witty confession of your love you've been repeating over and over again in your brain *cringe*.

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  93. I've been struggling with this for about 12 years - possibly more. The only relief I've ever got from obsessing over a person is when I was obsessed with my work.

    I've never been at the point where I am doing things 'for them' - and generally I obsess about people I don't know or will never see again. I'd already picked up on loads of stuff you mentioned in your article. What is it I think they can 'bring' to my life and how can I bring it to myself? Part of it is just loneliness, though, I think. In fact, I think that's the biggest part of it.

    This part of me destroyed the last dating experience I had - and it's never been so bad as to actually affect my reality at all - so now I'm scared of it. And now of course I'm obsessed with the person I briefly dated. I can feel a deep yearning for them all the time, and I don't know them. Neither will I ever see them again. It feels like it's impossible to make this end when it's gone on for so long.

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  94. This article really helped me understand my mind so clearly now. Every sentence in your write-up, I thought to myself "Hey this happened to me! this is what I do! "

    I'm going through this obsession-mess right now. I'm utterly infatuated with this guy I met online. When I was new to the site and posted a hello in the intro section of the site, that was when we met. There were so many others on the site I talked to, but somehow, my mind was drawn to him. I was attracted to him. Both of us began spending hours and hours together talking to each other, writing long letters to each other EVERY day (each letter ran up to 3-4 pages each day I guess)....

    It started with both of us talking about music, but eventually, we shunned all the foramlity and just talked about anything, even the most personal things. We began wrecking our lives. He failed in his exams, I failed in mine too.

    But I think that one day, he just realized what his priorities are and moved on with life. But I still can't stop obsessing over him. If he doesn't appear online for 2 days in a row, I'm depressed. There's no love; coz I'm occupied with my own problems, and he too has a girlfriend; it's just pure obsession. My scores are tanking; and more important commitments pile up each day; but my mind is filled with him, and I can't think straight anymore.

    This article has explained each of the things I go through everyday, so remarkably. It was an eye-opening message on prioritization. I cannot thank you enough :) Thanks :)

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  95. I met this coworker a while back. At first we didn't talked a lot, because of the job we had to work together for a while. It turned out that we had the same likes in movies and food. Our relationships with our partners were the same. Because it seemed that we had sooo much in common, we started to fell for each other. When I noticed that I couldn't sleep well because of her, I decided to look for help. I have been reading about the subject, and came across your article. It has helped me immensely.I started to follow your suggestions and so far I am doing better....but still have a way to go. I have pulled back a little bit on my conversations and she has noticed. Now she is on to someone else in the office.

    Thanks for your advice and helping me open my eyes....

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  96. THANKS so much. Gonna have to read this everyday.

    ReplyDelete