Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How to Get Over Someone Part 1: The Fear




Relationships happen- they are initiated, experienced, and sometimes ended. While many benefits come from appreciating and observing relationships you've had in the past, becoming "stuck" on one or not being able to "get over" somebody can be extremely detrimental to your dating life, romantic outlook, and sometimes...sanity.
   
   We can not get over somebody or move on from them because of fear. This fear comes in many forms, sometimes manifested as one, a few, or all and more of the following.



   1) You Are Scared That There Is Nobody Else For You

         You believe that you can not be with anybody else. That person was either the "partner of your dreams" or "perfect" for you. You do not believe that you will be able to "do better", and that everybody else will be a downgrade you will have to settle down for. 



  Solution: 
Take them off of that pedestal. Do not continue to invest in limiting beliefs that reinforce the reality that they are the only person on Earth who can possibly make you happy. You do not a partner to be happy, you must learn to be happy yourself. Once you can make yourself happy, you will be less likely to place future partners on pedestals and you will abstain from idealizing others.

            Sometimes we desire others because they have a quality we lack. Find that quality within yourself. Improve yourself and expand your comfort zones and interests in life. The more of yourself you "own", the less likely you will seek out a partner who "completes" you. You complete yourself.
         
   2) You Gave Them So Much of Yourself

            You believe that your ex-partner owes you a lifetime of commitment or at least a little more consideration because you gave them so much of yourself. You allowed them to create a place for themselves in your life, you opened up to them and told them all of your secrets and sentiments, you gave them access to parts and aspects of you that only they have ever known and seen. You put so much effort into the relationship and making them happy. You made a lot of sacrifices.


 Solution: 
You need to boost your self esteem- do not equate your importance and desirability as a person to your level of innocence/inaccessibility. You are not a product- you do not instantly become unattractive because someone has broken your seal. 
         
Understand why you place importance on your "seals." Although exclusivity is a great strategy for initially attracting partners, do not practice exclusivity in your genuine relationships. The law of scarcity does not apply to your emotional/mental/physical/spiritual openness and legitimacy. 

Great relationships are built on the foundations of generosity and receptivity. 
         Understand why you do not feel secure. Unless someone is abusing you mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually, you control your level of security. 
         
                        

   3) They Understood You So Perfectly
              
               You believe that your ex-partner is the only person who really "gets" you. No one else can possibly communicate with you as effectively/easily/lovingly/supportively as they can. You believe that they were so perfectly suited to you that only they could possibly bring out parts of you that seem to be out of your control. 


Solution:
                   Stop giving away your responsibility to your ex-partner. There is nothing in you that someone outside of you can bring out and understand exclusively. Take your personal power back- only you have full access to all of your aspects.
                   
Learn the difference between responses and reactions. Your ex-partner may have been very effective at getting the "right" reactions out of you, but ultimately, you have the power to choose how you would like to respond to any situation. Own up to that responsibility.
                    
Although your ex-partner might have given you great perspective, you can not assign them the task of analyzing yourself. The benefits of self-analysis can only be reaped when you undergo it. 
                    
               
         
   4) You Are Scared of Being Replaced

               You can not get over this person because the thought of them with somebody else enrages you or puts you into a spell of depression. You still view the person as yours, and you view any relationships they will move onto as wrong/inferior/malicious. Their prospective significant others might as well be your "downfall" or your "enemy."


Solution:
                        Do not view yourself as a commodity or product that can be replaced. You are a unique individual. You have your own special set of gifts and traits to share. Fully know this.
                        
You must also accept that there are people who possess their own special set of gifts and traits that are more compatible with your ex-partner's set of gifts and traits than yours. Your ex-partner deserves to be happy just like you. No matter how much rage and jealousy you feel, you can not change your ex-partner's preferences and desires.
                         
 Do not obsess about the possibility that your ex will compare his or her new partner with you. Your ex is likely to compare the two of you at some point- from consciously, blatantly analyzing your differences to subconsciously noticing a few minor details which you both share. You will probably do this, too. Learn to be okay with this.
                   

   5)  You Are Scared of Opening Up Again

               You do not want to feel vulnerable again. You are scared of rejection and disappointment. You do not want to open up again and show others who you really are because you do not feel safe. The thought of expressing your true thoughts and feelings to someone else makes you very nervous. 

 Solution:
                 You have the power to make yourself feel secure. You have the power to choose how to respond to situations. You possess an intuition that can guide you during social interactions.
               
You must accept your feelings and opinions. Respect them. The sooner you do this, the easier it will be to be okay with being vulnerable. Do not put up walls because you are scared of rejection or being taken advantage of.
                 
Stop being so attached to your inner thoughts and feelings. Your beliefs and opinions and emotions are not permanent- they may affect you but they do not define you.  If a potential partner "rejects" your inner thoughts and feelings by disagreeing or politely questioning them, he or she is not rejecting you. He or she may be seeking further elaboration or understanding, or politely stating that they have conflicting stances. But if he or she "rejects" your inner thoughts and feeling by disrespecting them and dismissing them, then find people who respect you.                  
                  

   6)  You Two Went Through So Much

                  You equate the amount of struggles in the relationship to the level of importance and significance of the relationships. You use a type of logic in which pain equals success. You are very attached to the milestones you two conquered and all of the effort you put into overcoming them. 

                  
Solution: 
Stop defining a relationship by the hardships it necessitated. Stop equating resistance and volatility with true connection. True connections require openness and love. Although true connections may be found during struggles, they may be more conveniently found through a calm approach which does not require fighting and suffering.
                 
Just because you two have been through a lot, doesn't mean its for positive reasons. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the cycle of fighting and making up. The excitement and stimulation may produce the pendulum effect- in which contrast makes the high points seem so much higher in relation to the low points. Understand that such a tumultuous relationship is unhealthy and destructive. Stop being addicted to drama. Do something better with your energy and time.                     

   7)  You Are Scared You Won't Find Something That Great Again

                  You believe that you can only have one great relationship. You think that you've already experienced the absolute best and that any other relationship will pale in comparison. Dating others is almost an exercise in futility for you- you do not believe in prospective relationships that can possibly surpass the quality of your relationship/partner. You believe you've already had the best, and you just lost it.

      Solution:
                Stop with the self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that no one else is just as good for you, then you will see what you want to see. Nothing but frustration and suffering come from 
reinforcing this limiting belief.

                  Stop giving your ex-partner the full responsibility of creating a wonderful relationship. You have the power to make a new relationship more enjoyable than your previous relationships. This requires effort and the willingness to go out of your way to add value into someone else's life. You must be ready to give if you so badly want to receive.


You must attempt to understand why you do not want to move on from your ex. Once you gain understanding, you must take some form of action. This action is first and foremost internal. You must explore different views of yourself and relationships in order to find peace. Do not let various manifestations of fear keep you from being happy and being happy for others. 

In Part 2, different methods and various reasons will be covered.